The one in which a not-spider almost kills me in the shower. (But not really.)

In case you didn't know, one of my biggest phobias is spiders. As in, I don't want to be anywhere near one. As in, I don't care how big it is, I don't want it in my general vicinity. As in, the volume of my screams increases in proportion to the size and speed of the beast.

So the other day, I was minding my own business, just stepping into the shower, when lo and behold what do I see up in the corner by the shower-head but this lovely specimen:

It was a Daddy Longlegs, which after doing some research Googling, I discovered is not really a spider at all. They are, according to this website, not spiders but rather some strange sort of insect known as "Harvestmen."


After cheerily informing us about this ominous name, this same website goes on to assure the reader that Daddy Longlegs are harmless. They state:

You don't need to be afraid of Daddy Longlegs because they have no venom at all.

Um gee, thanks, Mister Website. But Imma keep on being scared if that's all right with you. Because Daddy Longlegs may not have venom, but they do have LONG LEGS. And they move REALLY, REALLY FAST.


Which brings me back to my story.

So after my shower was interrupted by this not-spider, I decided to take action. By which I mean I picked up my giant container of Noxzema face cream and proceeded to whack the loathsome creature with it.

Alas, I discovered to my dismay that while Noxzema is great for the face, it doesn't work so well in defending you from not-spiders. Instead of being crushed by the giant Noxzema bottle, the horrid creature actually started CRAWLING TOWARDS ME OMG. And by crawling I mean CRAWLING REALLY, REALLY FAST TOWARDS ME OMFG.

Reader, I think I jumped seven feet. No, really, if there was an Olympic medal for jumping seven feet after seeing not-spiders, the medal would so be hanging around my neck right now.

I'm normally not a screamer, but this spider was so fast it made me scream. I dropped the Noxzema bottle and almost slipped on the shower mat, I was in such a panic. The following music may or may not have been playing in my head:

Needless to say, that was the shortest shower that was ever taken in the history of showers.

The End.


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11 comment(s):

Anonymous said...

Oh man spiders freak me out so much I literally put my hand on the computer screen over that spider pic to read your post.

Gahh anything with more than 4 legs is unnecessary.

P.S that is the best name for a post, ever. :)

marie said...

*contains giggle* Just like you, I'm seriously afraid of spiders. However, you're little story is quite funny...really. =)

Forget what some website says! Daddy Longlegs ARE spiders, because I say so! Eight creepy legs = scary spider. End of story.

Unknown said...

@Leigh: Thanks! And I completely agree that anything with more than four legs is completely unnecessary. Unless it is a four-legged spider.

@marie: Thanks for the read! And seriously, according to this website, Daddy Longlegs aren't spider because of their skeleton or some such nonsense. Whateves, they look like spiders to me. Enough to make me freak out!

Kate said...

I have aracnaphobia big time. I mean BIG TIME. As in, the first time I tried to read your post I ex-ed out of the window really quickly because you put a picture of a spider--that was just mean of you. But I braved it out (aka skimmed quickly past the spider) and read your terrifying story.

Ugh, spiders. Glad you survived!

Anonymous said...

Here in the UK, Daddy Long Legs (or should that be Daddy Long Legses, or Daddies Long Legs? I dunno) are something entirely different from what you have over there. It's the UK name for the crane fly, which is this thing here:
They're usually around in late summer to early autumn.

Unknown said...

@Katie: I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to intensify your arachnophobia by the picture. I decreased its size so hopefully it won't traumatize you or anyone else if you look at it. (Spiders don't scare me in pictures, only in person.)

@Trish: Ooh, I love learning about foreign bugs. Going to look up that critter now. :)

Randomization said...

I use to fear spiders...well, I still kinda do, just depends on their size.
What I fear now are centipedes!
They are super fast and only come out when it's dark.

Unknown said...

@Randomizaton: Ah, great... a new buggie to fear!!! I've actually never seen a centipede in person. ::crosses fingers::

Jamie Lane said...

eww i hate spider too! and ur post made me laugh/grimace, unfortunatley my room is in the basement and in the winter i ofter wake up to find spider bites covering my arms.

Nancy Face said...

I hate spiders too, but for some strange reason I'm not scared of Daddy Longlegs! I can even grab one by one of its ugly li'l long legs and watch its other legs move frantically...all in it tries to escape!

I must be a mutant or sumpthin'! :D

Jenny☮ said...

Eww... spiders and non-spiders give me the heebee-jeebees!

You poor soul. Having to be tortured like that.

Miss you dearly! <3