This is why I hate squirrels.

I was reading my bloggy friend Lauren's hee-larious blog the other day, and one of her recent posts inspired me to write this post.

Some warnings before I launch into story-mode:

It will be painful to write about.

It will cause me to dredge up horrible, irreparable, scarring memories from my past.

It may cause horrible, irreparable, scarring memories for your future.

It will include photographic reenactment.

You have been warned...


"This is why I hate squirrels."

Once upon a time, there was a carefree, nature-loving little girl by the name of Ana Cristina. When Little Ana Cristina was about eight years old, she was invited to her friend's birthday party. It was to take place at Amelia Earhart Park. Little Ana Cristina was very excited to go because she loved parks and playing in the outdoors.

This would soon change.

Scene of the Squirrel Incident of 1986, Amelia Earhart Park


Little Ana Cristina had a blast running around with her friends and eating cake and cookies. As she was running past one of the highest trees in the park, something in one of the lower branches caught her attention.

It was an adorable little squirrel!

adorable little squirrel


Little Ana Cristina oohed and aahed over the adorable little squirrel. She resolved to make it her new best friend. This was to be her first mistake.

In her resolve to make the adorable little squirrel her new best friend, Little Ana Cristina cooed to the adorable little squirrel, saying, "Come here, adorable little squirrel. I won't hurt you." This was her second mistake.

What Little Ana Cristina didn't realize was that the adorable little squirrel had no intentions of becoming her new best friend, and what was more, he didn't believe her promise of not hurting him. As a result, it morphed from adorable little squirrel into fricking scary squirrel.

fricking scary squirrel


Little Ana Cristina was fricking scared, as you can imagine. She started backing up away from the tree and away from the fricking scary squirrel, planning to get as far away from this fricking scary squirrel as she could. But the fricking scary squirrel had other plans for Little Ana Cristina.

Plans that involved defying gravity.

fricking scary squirrel mid-flight


Little Ana Cristina was astonished. She'd never seen a squirrel take flight before. She couldn't help but stare. Unfortunately, the valuable time she lost in staring up at the gravity-defying squirrel was time she could've would've should've spent running away from the squirrel. Because it was headed straight for her head.

Little Ana Cristina had no time to do anything but scream, so she did!

Reenactment of Little Ana Cristina screaming


Alas, the fricking scary squirrel/gravity-defying squirrel took no mercy on Little Ana Cristina, despite her piercing screams. Instead, he landed right on Little Ana Cristina's head!

Little Ana Cristina screamed even louder. Glass windows within a 500-mile radius were shattered as a result.

No amount of screaming, however, was budging the fricking scary squirrel now firmly planted on her head. It was time for more drastic measures. Time for action, for brave deeds.

Little Ana Cristina knew what she had to do.

So she acted.

Little Ana Cristina grabbed the fricking scary squirrel right by the tail and flung it as far away from her as she possibly could. And for a second time that morning, the fricking scary squirrel defied gravity.

The fricking scary squirrel's 2nd flight


Little Ana Cristina was now free to run as far away from the fricking scary squirrel as she could. So she did.

As she ran breathlessly back to her friends, she heard a curious sound behind her.

A splash.


To this day, Little Ana Cristina does not know if that splash she heard was the sound of the fricking scary squirrel landing in the lake. But she fervently hopes it was.

The End

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"Lolcat" of the Week


I had a hard time finding a good Lolcat for this week because they've all been so funny lately, but when I saw this one, I just knew. It just made me laugh. Yeah, okay, so it's not a cat. Who cares. It's hilarious. :D

Have a great week, everyone!

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PSA: Don't Text and Drive

The following video is graphic and may be too disturbing for you to watch, but I want you to watch it anyways -- especially if you or someone you know has ever sent text messages while driving.


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Is it possible to be in love with a song?

The boyf got me hooked on this new band recently. They're called Phoenix. They're French but they can totally pass as American, save for the faint trace of an accent in the lead singer's voice. I was hooked on the very first listen, especially to the song "Lisztomania."

Is it possible to be in love with a song?



Yes, I do think it is... :-D

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Lolcat of the Week


Bwahahaha... I'm still laughing at this week's Lolcat! Which is a good thing, because I'll need all the cheering up I can get this week. You see, today marks the official start of the 2009-2010 school year. Which ends on June 9th. And yes, I am counting down the days until my next summer vacation already. *sob*

Have a great week, everyone! *tearful smile*

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How to write a letter

I used to have a pen-pal, a girl I met right after I broke up with my first serious boyfriend. It was a very sad time for me -- I had to get used to something that had become foreign to me: being alone. My pen-pal, who I'll call Irene, was a great help during that time. Her letters would brighten up my days and I loved learning about her likes and dislikes, what life was like in her country (she lived in Central America). I loved writing back to her, too, filling her in on the intricacies of my life.

The years rolled on and Irene and I stopped writing, suddenly too busy with school and work to take the time to continue writing. Now we e-mail from time to time, but you know, it just isn't the same.

There is nothing like receiving a letter. I'm always after my boyf to write me one, and he never does. *tear* I think he feels intimidated, which is silly. I would love anything he set down on paper and treasure it always. But I am content with receiving cards from him, hoping against hope that one day he'll give in and set pen to paper.

We all know getting bills in the post is no fun -- my heart leaps every time I get the rare handwritten letter. It's been years, I think, since I received my last. Why have we stopped? Is it simply the advent of e-mail and Facebook and Twitter? Or is it something else?

In asking myself these questions, I recall one of my favorite pieces of Garrison Keillor's, "How to write a letter." If you've never read it before, you're in for a treat:

How to write a letter

by Garrison Keillor (written for Corrine Guntzel)


We shy persons need to write a letter now and then, or else we'll dry up and blow away. It's true. And I speak as one who loves to reach for the phone, dial the number, and talk. I say, "Big Bopper here - what's shakin', babes?" The telephone is to shyness what Hawaii is to February, it's a way out of the woods, and yet: a letter is better.

Such a sweet gift - a piece of handmade writing, in an envelope that is not a bill, sitting in our friend's path when she trudges home from a long day spent among wahoos and savages, a day our words will help repair. They don't need to be immortal, just sincere. She can read them twice and again tomorrow: You're someone I care about, Corrine, and think of often and every time I do you make me smile.

We need to write, otherwise nobody will know who we are. They will have only a vague impression of us as A Nice Person, because, frankly, we don't shine at conversation, we lack the confidence to thrust our faces forward and say, "Hi! I'm Heather Hooten; let me tell you about my week." Mostly we say "Uh-huh" and "Oh, really." People smile and look over our shoulder, looking for someone else to meet.

So a shy person sits down and writes a letter. To be known by another person - to meet and talk freely on the page - to be close despite distance. To escape from anonymity and be our own sweet selves and express the music of our souls.

Same thing that moves a giant rock star to sing his heart out in front of 123,000 people moves us to take a ballpoint in hand and write a few lines to our dear Aunt Eleanor. We want to be known. We want her to know that we have fallen in love, that we quit our job, that we're moving to New York, and we want to say a few things that might not get said in casual conversation: Thank you for what you've meant to me, I'm very happy right now.

The first step in writing letters is to get over the guilt of not writing. You don't "owe" anybody a letter. Letters are a gift. The burning shame you feel when you see unanswered mail makes it harder to pick up a pen and makes for a cheerless letter when you finally do. I feel bad about not writing, but I've been so busy, etc. Skip this. Few letters are obligatory, and they are Thanks for the wonderful gift and I am terribly sorry to hear about George's death and Yes, you're welcome to stay with us next month, and not many more than that. Write those promptly if you want to keep your friends. Don't worry about the others, except love letters, of course. When your true love writes, Dear Light of My Life, Joy of My Heart, O Lovely Pulsating Core of My Sensate Life, some response is called for.

Some of the best letters are tossed off in a burst of inspiration, so keep your writing stuff in one place where you can sit down for a few minutes and (Dear Roy, I am in the middle of a book entitled We Are Still Married but thought I'd drop you a line. Hi to your sweetie, too) dash off a note to a pal. Envelopes, stamps, address book, everything in a drawer so you can write fast when the pen is hot.

A blank white eight-by-eleven sheet can look as big as Montana if the pen's not so hot - try a smaller page and write boldly. Or use a note card with a piece of fine art on the front; if your letter ain't good, at least they get the Matisse. Get a pen that makes a sensuous line, get a comfortable typewriter, a friendly word processor - whichever feels easy to the hand.

Sit for a few minutes with the blank sheet in front of you, and meditate on the person you will write to, let your friend come to mind until you can almost see her or him in the room with you. Remember the last time you saw each other and how your friend looked and what you said and what perhaps was unsaid between you, and when your friend becomes real to you, start to write.

Write the salutation - Dear You - and take a deep breath and plunge in. A simple declarative sentence will do, followed by another and another and another. Tell us what you're doing and tell it like you were talking to us. Don't think about grammar, don't think about lit'ry style, don't try to write dramatically, just give us your news. Where did you go, who did you see, what did they say, what do you think?

If you don't know where to begin, start with the present moment: I'm sitting at the kitchen table on a rainy Saturday morning. Everyone is gone and the house is quiet. Let your simple description of the present moment lead to something else, let the letter drift gently along.

The toughest letter to crank out is one that is meant to impress, as we all know from writing job applications; if it's hard work to slip off a letter to a friend, maybe you're trying too hard to be terrific. A letter is only a report to someone who already likes you for reasons other than your brilliance. Take it easy.

Don't worry about form. It's not a term paper. When you come to the end of one episode, just start a new paragraph. You can go from a few lines about the sad state of pro football to your fond memories of Mexico to your cat's urinary tract infection to a few thoughts on personal indebtedness and on to the kitchen sink and what's in it. The more you write, the easier it gets, and when you have a True True Friend to write to, a compadre, a soul sibling, then it's like driving a car down a country road, you just get behind the keyboard and press on the gas.

Don't tear up the page and start over when you write a bad line - try to write your way out of it. Make mistakes and plunge on. Let the letter cook along and let yourself be bold. Outrage, confusion, love - whatever is in your mind, let it find a way on to the page. Writing is a means of discovery, always, and when you come to the end and write Yours ever or Hugs and kisses, you'll know something you didn't when you wrote Dear Pal.

Probably your friend will put your letter away, and it'll be read again a few years from now - and it will improve with age. And forty years from now, your friend's grandkids will dig it out of the attic and read it, a sweet and precious relic of the ancient eighties that gives them a sudden clear glimpse of you and her and the world we old-timers knew. You will then have created an object of art. Your simple lines about where you went, who you saw, what they said, will speak to those children and they will feel in their hearts the humanity of our times.

You can't pick up a phone and call the future and tell them about our times. You have to pick up a piece of paper.

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Lolcat of the Week


What is it with cats and tearing up toilet paper? For real. My cat gets into these fits sometimes and tears our toilet paper to shreds. And of course when I scold him for being such a wittle bad kitty, he looks at me with exactly that expression you see above. *shakes head* Ah, cats...

Have a great week, everyone! :-)

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Wanted: Danger Magnet #2


I never thought I’d see the day when I’d be looking for a bloggy partner in crime, but here I am, meekly asking for that very thing.

Let me give you some background in case you are just joining this here blog: I run another blog other than this one, The Danger Magnet. It's a Twilight fan-site. The Danger Magnet is currently being written single-handedly by one little lady, and that little lady is YOURS TRULY. But YOURS TRULY also happens to run three blogs other than this one, not to mention a column for Examiner.com, so YOURS TRULY is getting overwhelmed. Oh, and did I mention YOURS TRULY also happens to be a full-time English teacher whose school year is starting again in just 2 weeks, plus she has a master’s thesis she still needs to write, plus-plus she has a loving boyf whom she routinely neglects for fictional characters?

I think you can see where I’m coming from…

So this is what I need: I need another blogger to step in and help me publish regular posts on this blog. I will continue to host weekly discussions on the books, but I would love someone to publish news-related (NON-PAPARAZZI!) items. I used to publish more news-related stuff before Real Life stepped in, and I miss being up-to-date with the amazing likes of TwiCrack Addict, Twilight Moonlighter, and Eyes of Amber. The post will be temporary (a few months) unless you wow me with your extraordinary writing prowess, at which point I might be persuaded to make you a permanent addition.

You still interested? Here are the requirements:

  1. You must have a firm grip on modern English conventions (good writing skills required!).
  2. You must have read all four books in the Twilight Saga (yes, there will be a quiz ;p).
  3. You must love all things Twilight-related (duh).
  4. You must be willing to publish at least 3-5 separate items a week (more if you like, of course!).
  5. You must be willing to do all the above for free.

If you think you meet all 5 requirements and you are crazy willing to help me out and co-write this blog, e-mail me at ASimon78@aol.com with a brief description as to why you think you should be considered for the post. Of course, you should familiarize yourself with this site and its content before applying. I will be accepting submissions until August 31st, at which point hopefully I will have made my final decision.

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Lolcat of the Week

funny pictures of cats with captions
see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Oh my goodness, this is so true -- cats always seem to know when you are leaving, especially if it's for an extended time. My cat always stands guard near the door when I'm about to go, a most disdainful look on his face, as if to say: "What can be outside that door that is better than moi?"

Ah, cats...

Have a great week, everyone! This is my last week of summer vacation before I have to go back to the classroom. Le grande sigh...

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Want to win a bookcase?

Just Your Typical Book Blog is definitely not your average book blog, despite its cute and catchy name. For starters, the blog hosts Cheryl and Amber don't just write about the books they like, but also about the books they may not like as much. The great thing about this is that since everyone's taste is different, their blogging about a book that didn't particularly touch them might spark something in another reader. Cheryl and Amber seem to understand the importance of being open when it comes to writing a book blog. Another great thing about this site is that they review the full gamut -- everything from young adult books to adult-adult books.

Something else that sets JYTBB apart from the rest is the contest they are currently holding in which one lucky reader will win the bookcase of their choice.

Here are the deets straight from the girls at Just Your Typical Book Blog:

CSN specializes in a wide variety of Office Furniture. Instead of us picking out which one someone can win, we've decided to let you choose which suits your room/living room/office/etc the best!

Here's what you do to enter:

1. Click right here and browse the selection of bookcases. Choose ANY one you want with a retail value of 80 dollars or less.

2. Leave a comment saying which bookcase you picked and include your email address. Just so there is no confusion, you have to leave BOTH things in your entry or it will not count. If you do not feel comfortable leaving your info here, just shoot us an email: justyourtypicalbookblog@hotmail.com


For extra entries:

+2 for becoming a new follower

+5 for already being a follower prior to this post. (Thanks!)

+2 for each place you link this contest to. (Please post the links on here too.)

The contest will end August 13 at midnight central time. It is only open to those living in the United States. One winner will be chosen and will have 48 hours to contact us with their info. Thanks and good luck to all who enter! This is one of the coolest giveaways we've had on the blog. Also a huge thanks to Jon from CSN Furniture for offering it to us!

Sounds too good to be true? Go on and read it at the original source. Thanks again to Just Your Typical Book Blog for holding this awesome contest!

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Tribute to a Childhood Hero: John Hughes

One of my childhood heroes died today. His name was John Hughes and he was only 59. He died of a heart attack.

Hughes created some of my favorite films from my youth -- "Sixteen Candles," "The Breakfast Club," and "Ferris Bueller's Day Off," just to name a few. His movies were like points of light in my childhood, bright moments of escape. I longed to be Molly Ringwald in "Sixteen Candles," wished I was part of that ragtag group of teens in "The Breakfast Club." I confess to even crushing on Matthew Broderick after seeing "Ferris Bueller's Day Off."

This summer has been so full of sudden loss that it's impossible to take it all in without feeling overwhelmed. But I wanted to shine the spotlight on this talented director who not only helped launch careers for young actors like Molly Ringwald and Matthew Broderick, but also helped shape the future of cinema. He will be missed.

Here are some of my favorite John Hughes movies. Feel free to share your favorites in the comments!


"The Breakfast Club"


"16 Candles"



"Ferris Bueller's Day Off"



"Mr. Mom"

ETA: Click here to see a Photo Gallery of John Hughes's most memorable movies.

Click here to read a stunning tribute written by a fan who was also lucky enough to be John Hughes's pen pal.


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These are a few of my (current) favorite things...

Eats, Shoots & Leaves

As an English teacher, I pretty much read everything with a critical eye. I can't help it -- it's not just my job, it's practically in my DNA. Mind you, I don't read the newspaper with a red pen... yet. But give me time.

Perhaps this is is what first drew me to Lynne Truss's grammatical guidebook, Eats, Shoots & Leaves. But what kept me coming back for more was the entertaining style in which it is written. Here's an example from the text that also happens to explain its enigmatic title:

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

"I'm a panda," he says, at the door. "Look it up."

The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation.

"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."


Isn't that hilarious? I just bawled the first time I read that. It really shows you the power of grammar, though. A comma can make ALL the difference.

To learn more and hear an interview Lynne Truss did with NPR, click here.


chocolate covered raisins


OK, I will admit it -- I'm not crazy about health food. Broccoli? Blech, I won't touch it (unless it's drowned in cheese). Grapes? Eh, I'll eat them on New Year's Eve (it's a tradition in most Latin families to eat 12 grapes on New Year's Eve for good luck in the next year), but that's pretty much it. However, I'm trying to eat more consciously lately since I want to lose some weight. One thing I'm attempting to cut out of my nondiet is chocolate. It's such a bad habit to break!

So I'm finding ways of sneaking healthier food into my diet while still getting my chocofix. One item I've recently discovered is Sun-Maid's dark chocolate yogurt raisins. They are fricking delish. Don't get me wrong -- it would of course be healthier to eat the raisins by themselves, but I'm thinking baby steps... :p


WORSTERER.com

WORSTERER.com is a new website created by a good friend of the boyf's and mine, Douglas. The premise of the site is to "Read or write hilarious true stories about random funny stuff!" I like to think of WORSTERER as fml's kinder, gentler little brother. You can post your stories through your Facebook account or through an account you make up yourself.

Here's an example of a story posted on WORSTERER. I'm going to show you one of my own very true, very scary stories (click to enlarge):


To read more stories and post your own, go here.



The Foxglove Hunt
I first heard this band on Pandora.com. The site recommended them to me because I listened to bands similar to them, like Echo & the Bunnymen. I was immediately seduced by their electronic, 80's-esque sound. They reminded me of a more modern New Order -- they have that same synth pop style.

Unfortunately, they are not that well known a band yet. In fact, their album isn't even that easy to find. Thanks to the musical aggregation site, elbo.ws, I was able to find some mp3's. When I look back at all the bands that I listen to now and love, it's startling to realize just how many of them I've discovered online...

Click on the song below to hear a sample of their music.



A Concealed Weapon - The Foxglove Hunt


Frizz-Ease "Secret Weapon"

I've been using this finishing creme religiously ever since I first discovered it a couple of weeks ago. Every time I finish blow-drying and ironing my hair, I apply this "Secret Weapon" to my hair, and I promise you, my hair has completely stopped frizzing as a result. And I'm writing from Miami, FL, during August, which is one of the most humid places around this time of year!

If you have coarse or dry hair that frizzes easily, I really recommend this product. It adds a lot of great luster and manageability to your hair. However, if you have greasy hair like I do but want to use a product to control frizz, I recommend applying this product to the ends of your hair only, because if not you're going to have to wash your hair much sooner than usual.



What are some of your favorites this month? Share them in the comments! :-)


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My Life According to Tori Amos

I found the following fun-fun meme on Adri's awesome site. As you know, I adore memes. This one just might be my favorite! You have to pick an artist and answer each of the questions using a song title. Just follow the directions below. I've linked each of my song titles to the actual song so you can hear what it sounds like.


Directions: Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on if you wish and include me. You can't use the artist I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Post as "My life according to (artist name)".

Pick your Artist:
Tori Amos

Describe yourself:
strange little girl

How do you feel:
here. in my head

Describe where you currently live.
upside down

If you could go anywhere, where would you go?
china

Your favorite form of transportation:
take to the sky

Your best friend is:
girl disappearing

You and your best friends are:
beauty queen

What's the weather like:
blue skies

Favorite time of day:
all through the night

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
ribbons undone

What is life to you:
strange

Your relationship:
a sorta fairytale

Your fear:
little earthquakes

What is the best advice you have to give:
give

Thought for the Day:
bliss

How would you like to die:
sweet dreams

Soul's present condition:
silent all these years

In case you missed it, I posted my recap of Tori Amos's show last Wednesday in Miami, complete with pictures and video. Check it out! :D

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Lolcat of the Week

funny pictures of cats with captions
see more Lolcats and funny pictures

I was browsing this week's Lolcats when this one caught my eye. I always love the "countdown kitties" on that website, and this one didn't fail to make me laugh out loud, literally. :D

This is my last week of the Zelda Glazer Writing Institute. Yah, I know I bitched about it last week -- about how painful it would be to wake up early and sacrifice part of my summer. But you know what? Halfway through the course I realize it is worth it. It is more than worth the lack of sleep thanks to all the great things I'm learning. I am so appreciative of the fact that this workshop is the first workshop that doesn't talk down to teachers, but actually treats us with respect and dignity. I'm being inspired both as a writer and as an educator. Notice I put writer before educator -- to be honest with you, as much as I love teaching, there's nothing I love more than writing. This workshop has reminded me of that fact!

Have a great week, everyone! :-)

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Tribute to a Muse: Tori Amos

Last week I got to see my muse in concert, Tori Amos. She played at the Jackie Gleason Fillmore Center in Miami Beach on Wednesday, July 29th and it was one of the best concerts I've seen to date.

I've been a huge fan of Tori Amos ever since she released her first solo album, Little Earthquakes, in 1992. Something about her music has always spoken to me, even as a young girl teetering on the edge of adolescence. I don't think I would've managed to escape the hell of my high school years as unscathed had her music not been there to light my way.

So who is Tori Amos? She is the goddess of the piano, playing as many as three different types (standard, harpsichord, and keyboard) during her shows. She writes her own music, and while she's amazing when she's alone with her piano, in recent years she's added a band and this has given her music a richer, fuller sound.

It's hard to categorize Tori -- her music sounds a little bit like Kate Bush, but her lyrics are completely her own. She writes such enigmatic lines as: "Perhaps the answer to the question/Lies in the question" and my personal favorite: "My heart is like the ocean/It gets in the way." Some may find her seemingly nonsensical lyrics off-putting, but personally I find them inspiring. In case you didn't know, the name for my blog, ThreadsThatAreGolden.com, is named after a lyric in one of my favorite songs of Tori's, "Horses." So I was beyond thrilled when she played it in last week's show, and ecstatic when I saw that someone had video-taped her performance of the song and put it on YouTube. You can see that video below along with another favorite of mine, "Flavor." Thank the faeries for YouTube...

Overall, the show was great, one of her best I've seen. I try to see her every time she comes to South Florida, and this was the closest I've ever been from her, one row away from the pit. It still wasn't that close, but still... Next time I'll try to get front row or thereabouts. She's worth it! Her concerts are always awesome because she likes to reinvent her "girls," the name she gives her songs. This one was no exception -- she sang a lot of songs I wasn't expecting, too, like "Raspberry Swirl," "Carbon," and "Winter." She had seemingly endless energy throughout the show, smiling and interacting a lot with the audience, even getting up to dance (and smack her butt!) to "Big Wheel" near the end of the show. Yep, she's definitely still an "M-I-L-F/Don't you forget," as her line goes.

The only blah moment in an otherwise awesome experience was when I went to buy some goodies after the concert. I wanted to purchase one shirt in particular -- it was a white T-shirt with Tori's face on the front and on the back the following line: "Perhaps the answer to the question/Lies in the question." I really wanted it!! But the one guy manning the stand kept ignoring me because I didn't have cash, only credit. And by the time he finally attended me, it had already sold out... :-( I made do with a program, a cute bag, and my second favorite shirt:

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Below are two videos from this performance. After the videos I've included some of the pictures I took. Enjoy!

"Horses"



"Flavor"

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To learn more about this show and see the set-list, go here.

So who's your muse? Let me know in the comments!

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