This is why I hate squirrels.

I was reading my bloggy friend Lauren's hee-larious blog the other day, and one of her recent posts inspired me to write this post.

Some warnings before I launch into story-mode:

It will be painful to write about.

It will cause me to dredge up horrible, irreparable, scarring memories from my past.

It may cause horrible, irreparable, scarring memories for your future.

It will include photographic reenactment.

You have been warned...

"This is why I hate squirrels."

Once upon a time, there was a carefree, nature-loving little girl by the name of Ana Cristina. When Little Ana Cristina was about eight years old, she was invited to her friend's birthday party. It was to take place at Amelia Earhart Park. Little Ana Cristina was very excited to go because she loved parks and playing in the outdoors.

This would soon change.

Scene of the Squirrel Incident of 1986, Amelia Earhart Park

Little Ana Cristina had a blast running around with her friends and eating cake and cookies. As she was running past one of the highest trees in the park, something in one of the lower branches caught her attention.

It was an adorable little squirrel!

adorable little squirrel

Little Ana Cristina oohed and aahed over the adorable little squirrel. She resolved to make it her new best friend. This was to be her first mistake.

In her resolve to make the adorable little squirrel her new best friend, Little Ana Cristina cooed to the adorable little squirrel, saying, "Come here, adorable little squirrel. I won't hurt you." This was her second mistake.

What Little Ana Cristina didn't realize was that the adorable little squirrel had no intentions of becoming her new best friend, and what was more, he didn't believe her promise of not hurting him. As a result, it morphed from adorable little squirrel into fricking scary squirrel.

fricking scary squirrel

Little Ana Cristina was fricking scared, as you can imagine. She started backing up away from the tree and away from the fricking scary squirrel, planning to get as far away from this fricking scary squirrel as she could. But the fricking scary squirrel had other plans for Little Ana Cristina.

Plans that involved defying gravity.

fricking scary squirrel mid-flight

Little Ana Cristina was astonished. She'd never seen a squirrel take flight before. She couldn't help but stare. Unfortunately, the valuable time she lost in staring up at the gravity-defying squirrel was time she could've would've should've spent running away from the squirrel. Because it was headed straight for her head.

Little Ana Cristina had no time to do anything but scream, so she did!

Reenactment of Little Ana Cristina screaming

Alas, the fricking scary squirrel/gravity-defying squirrel took no mercy on Little Ana Cristina, despite her piercing screams. Instead, he landed right on Little Ana Cristina's head!

Little Ana Cristina screamed even louder. Glass windows within a 500-mile radius were shattered as a result.

No amount of screaming, however, was budging the fricking scary squirrel now firmly planted on her head. It was time for more drastic measures. Time for action, for brave deeds.

Little Ana Cristina knew what she had to do.

So she acted.

Little Ana Cristina grabbed the fricking scary squirrel right by the tail and flung it as far away from her as she possibly could. And for a second time that morning, the fricking scary squirrel defied gravity.

The fricking scary squirrel's 2nd flight

Little Ana Cristina was now free to run as far away from the fricking scary squirrel as she could. So she did.

As she ran breathlessly back to her friends, she heard a curious sound behind her.

A splash.

To this day, Little Ana Cristina does not know if that splash she heard was the sound of the fricking scary squirrel landing in the lake. But she fervently hopes it was.

The End

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13 comment(s):

Unknown said...

OMG! This is hilarious!!! I was literally laughing out loud!!! :D

Marc said...

So. Awesome.

Thank you for sharing :)

Fire Crotch said...

frickin scary...

Faltarego said...

Oh, Ana, you're too funny. Yes, yes, I understand you're traumatized, but still, you're too funny. I'm familiar with Scaredy Squirrel, but not until this moment was I aware of Frickin Scary Squirrel. I'm glad I only read about him. He sounds vicious.

Kate said...

There are no words for how funny this post is. Except for words like frickin hilarious and a riot and amazing. I'm so glad you survived! Especially because you got to share this story with us with exciting graphics. ;)

Liggybee said...

That was hilarious, girl! Loved that post - and the re-enactment photo of Little Ana screaming. That was brilliant!

Incidentally, those pics reminded me how squirrels don't always make it across successfully when they "fly" through the trees. I've found a few fallen flat (not really flat) and lifeless outside my house before. I think they miss when they leap from the trees to the rooftop. Poor things!

Busy Bee Lauren said...

Oh my goooooosh! Best.Post.Ever! I am dying.

Now I can see why it was hard for you to white it out. Oh the memories!

nsiyer said...

enjoyed but intrigued at your post.

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I'm laughing so hard I cant breathe.. I'm gasping for air as I type. I have tears pouring out of my eyes.. And yet I feel for you.. It hurts my heart that this happened to you.. B/c I was chased by a peacock once and it was terrifying..LOL mean ass booger it was!

Nancy Face said...

This is my VERY favorite of your posts! SOOO funny! Loved the photo captions! :D

Your blog design is super cute! :)

Unknown said...

Thanks, guys! It was a ton of fun to write and I'm glad you enjoyed it. :-)

g2 (la pianista irlandesa) said...

Three words, Ana: Made. My. Day.
The photographic reenactment (especially of the scream) perfectly complimented the probably terrifying (but utterly hilarious) account of the encounter with the Frickin Scary Squirrel.

I actually have a bit of a squirrel story (though, not nearly as good as this one): my dad and I were driving down a quiet residential street, and as we were swinging out to get around some cars parked on the street, we saw a squirrel just sitting in the middle of the road. At first it didn't seem like he was going to move... he just stared us down for a few seconds, as if he was saying to us in our red Prius, "I can take you, I can take you punks." We slowed down, and as we got closer he just kind of slunk off to the other side of the street. I imagine he was thinking, "I can take you, I... Aiight, maybe I can't take you. But only because you're in a ghost car, next time I see you I'm takin' you down!"

In your squirrely dreams.

That is all. Your story still tops mine.