Oh cranberry juice, why must you suck.

**Disclaimer: If you get grossed out by posts containing TMI having to do with sickness, do not read. Especially if you are a guy. That is all.**

So I woke up yesterday morning with my bladder on fire. No, really. There were flames and everything. Okay, so maybe not actual flames, but still. It felt like it. ::shrug::

Upon going to "the little girl's room," I realized to my great discontent that the flame-like sensation wasn't going away. No -- it was INTENSIFIED. And furthermore, my left kidney all of a sudden felt like it was being pummeled by Mike Tyson. Not good.

I crawled back to bed, contemplating going back to sleep, but I was in too much pain and annoyance to sleep. I drank my weight in water the rest of the day, and the pain subsided by nighttime, so I went to sleep expecting to feel totally fine the next morning. Thinking maybe this was just my body freaking out on me because I haven't been drinking enough liquid or something.

Apparently I was wrong. I woke up at 5:00 AM feeling worse. I didn't think that was possible. I mean, the sensation of flames attacking your bladder is not a pleasant one. And neither is your kidney being pummeled by Mike Tyson. But somehow, it felt like there were now TWO Mike Tyson's pummeling my kidney. And to make matters worse, when I tried to pee, it hurt like hell. And there was a little blood, just the faintest hint of pink on the toilet paper, but enough to make me worry.

I hate calling in sick on Mondays, but I had to do it. I felt too miserable to deal with whiny teenagers all day, especially when I felt like being a whiny teenager myself. I figured I'd just stay home and recuperate, and hopefully get well enough so that I don't have to visit the doctor (I hate visiting the doctor!!!). I'm thinking it's a UTI, or worse, a kidney or bladder infection, from my symptoms. So I've been drinking juice made out of this stuff all day:

That's right -- cranberry juice. Now this is something I normally don't drink for fun, like, ever. I detest cranberry juice. It's just so sour and full of yuck. I am curious as to why the hell this is the juice I need to drink to make the infection go away. Why can't it be strawberry or raspberry or apple juice, which are infinitely more palatable? What is it about cranberries that clears up infections? Is it because infections fear and detest cranberry juice as much as I do? I seriously think nobody despises cranberry juice as much as I do. No, really -- this is the face I make every time I drink it:

Not actually me, just some random cute baby from the interwebs.

Thank goodness for Ocean Spray. They seem to understand my pain and intolerance of all things cranberry, for they have created cranberry juice mixed with other juices. Like strawberry, raspberry, and apple.

Cue chorus of angels.

I have been happily drinking cran-strawberry juice all day. I've made good headway on the gallon I bought and I'm feeling a bit better. So here's hoping tomorrow morning I don't wake up to a bladder full of flames again. Because that would suck.

 

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All content on this site is the sole property of Ana Cristina Simon, unless otherwise stated, and is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

The one in which a not-spider almost kills me in the shower. (But not really.)

In case you didn't know, one of my biggest phobias is spiders. As in, I don't want to be anywhere near one. As in, I don't care how big it is, I don't want it in my general vicinity. As in, the volume of my screams increases in proportion to the size and speed of the beast.

So the other day, I was minding my own business, just stepping into the shower, when lo and behold what do I see up in the corner by the shower-head but this lovely specimen:

It was a Daddy Longlegs, which after doing some research Googling, I discovered is not really a spider at all. They are, according to this website, not spiders but rather some strange sort of insect known as "Harvestmen."

...

After cheerily informing us about this ominous name, this same website goes on to assure the reader that Daddy Longlegs are harmless. They state:

You don't need to be afraid of Daddy Longlegs because they have no venom at all.

Um gee, thanks, Mister Website. But Imma keep on being scared if that's all right with you. Because Daddy Longlegs may not have venom, but they do have LONG LEGS. And they move REALLY, REALLY FAST.

::shudder::

Which brings me back to my story.

So after my shower was interrupted by this not-spider, I decided to take action. By which I mean I picked up my giant container of Noxzema face cream and proceeded to whack the loathsome creature with it.

Alas, I discovered to my dismay that while Noxzema is great for the face, it doesn't work so well in defending you from not-spiders. Instead of being crushed by the giant Noxzema bottle, the horrid creature actually started CRAWLING TOWARDS ME OMG. And by crawling I mean CRAWLING REALLY, REALLY FAST TOWARDS ME OMFG.

Reader, I think I jumped seven feet. No, really, if there was an Olympic medal for jumping seven feet after seeing not-spiders, the medal would so be hanging around my neck right now.

I'm normally not a screamer, but this spider was so fast it made me scream. I dropped the Noxzema bottle and almost slipped on the shower mat, I was in such a panic. The following music may or may not have been playing in my head:

Needless to say, that was the shortest shower that was ever taken in the history of showers.

The End.

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All content on this site is the sole property of Ana Cristina Simon, unless otherwise stated, and is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.