Protagonist's Diary

I wrote this on Protagonize as my diary entry for today. It really details what happened yesterday, but whatever. :p

January 10 - The 2009 Protagonists' Diary

Dear Diary,

No, scratch that.

Hello, self.

Eh, I don't know ... Too too. I'll try again.

The sky was the most perfect shade of blue today. I woke up with the knowledge that today would be a good day. A day for puzzle pieces to snap into place, for long-lost objects to be found, epiphanies gained.

To my utter surprise and joy, I wasn't disappointed.

Work was good -- the students were on task, they actually laughed at my corny jokes, and they asked all the right questions. Days like today make my joke of a paycheck seem (almost) worthwhile.

And I saw a great film on DVD this afternoon, this Japanese film called "Millennium Actress." It was beautiful and heart-wrenching in that way that makes you want to jump up in the middle of the movie and write. (Read: I sometimes do this, to the bemusement of the boyf.)

Speaking about writing, I got a good idea this morning in the shower (where I do my best thinking) about this story I've been stuck on for days. I thought I had lost the strand, but it wasn't lost -- it just wasn't where I expected it to be.

So all in all, it was a pretty good day. What's interesting about today is that yesterday, I was feeling a bit blue. For no reason really at all, I was prone to tears and sensitive to every little thing. I felt like a walking open sore -- everything stung, everything felt like an affront.

So I was tempted to close myself, to shut myself in today. I'm glad I didn't. I would've missed this good day.

Diary, I need to remember to be more open. To receive life as it comes. I know I can be too sensitive sometimes. There's a line from a Tori Amos song I love,"My heart is like the ocean / It gets in the way." I think I love those lyrics partly because they mirror how I see myself.

I need to stop thinking of my heart as an obstacle. I need to realize that my heart is like the ocean, not because it gets in the way, but because it collects the drops of everyday. Because it has the power to give back, to provide rivers of truth and understanding.

I will remember to guide myself by its ebb and flow from now on, no matter what tomorrow brings.

2 comment(s):

Hannahkin said...

i need to stop mentioning this, because i pretty much say it every time i comment on your blog, but I LOVE YOUR WRITING. *sigh* i think i'm going to need to get that out every time i comment.. and if i don't, you should know that it's a given.

now that THAT'S out of the way, i know what you mean about good days. for the longest time, i wandered around in a horrid stink of a mood, wondering, "when is something good going to happen to me?" have you ever felt that way? when you feel like everything horrible that's happening to you hasn't been influenced by you, necessarily, but that everyone around you (God included) has just decided to have a laugh at your expense? i'm pretty sure everyone's felt that way at least once. anyway, it took about a week of being completely AWFUL (and probably more than a month of being apathetic) for me to realise that it really WAS just me. we forget how powerful we are, how greatly we, ourselves, influence the way we feel. after about a million mental slaps, i decided to just be happy. and it worked. ridiculous, i know, and typically anticlimactic, but it was just what i needed. the next day was normal and beautiful. when you've taken life for granted for so long, little things like sunshine or falling leaves or a hug mean so much :)

sorry for the essay! :)

Unknown said...

Oh, please, I read essays all day -- remember I'm an English teacher. :)
And I know exactly what you mean; ultimately, we determine our good days from our bad. I truly believe our brain is the strongest organ we own, as it has the power to control our life, if we so allow it.